Disclaimer: I wish every part of this story was a gross exaggeration. It isn't an exaggeration. But it is gross.
Our neighbor ruined our nice night outside last night, sitting in the front law, talking and listening to Chris Issac. We spotted him out of the corner of our eyes. We weren't anywhere close to the door of the house. We couldn't make a clean escape. He had already crossed the drive way. Shoving a fresh serving of tobacco into his front lip. Spit dribbling down his chin, to his shirt, to his pants. Luckily I was closest to him.
"I have something to show you." dribble mouth talking to me
"I need to stay here with the dog so he doesn't run away. Mitchell will go with you." me, scared and crying
"No, he's seen it I want you to see it." dribble mouth
"He won't run away." my loving husband and dribble mouth
I get up to walk with him, my husband lets me go. I turn back toward him with a look that made him wet his pants and told him to get his butt over here. All as we walk toward dribble mouth's house.
"Come on we are going in the house. I want to show you something in the back yard." dribble mouth, as my tears return
I told my heroic husband to walk in first... his hand leads my back so I can walk into the house first.
We walk in right behind dribble mouth and are greeted by not only old people smell in the house, but something similar to a nursing home, rest stop bathroom, and landfill. All in one. I hold my breath as I gag. Mitchell says OUT LOUD, "Oh my gosh, it..." Thank goodness he didn't finish that statement.
We walk into the backyard as his wife re-introduces herself to me. Dribble mouth shows us his herbs, gazebo, and grass. He brings me something and tells me to put it into my mouth.
"Ugggh, I don't think so!"
"Do it." dribble mouth
"No, that's ok. What is it."
A grim comes across dribble mouth's face... I am ready to go jump the fence to my save haven. We turn toward the house, the old lady introduces herself to me again. I start to cry and run toward the door. I turn and see a family portrait of them and their son. From this year. He's 40. And they were wearing matching outfits. Maybe shirts with a howling wolf.
I should have gotten a pitt bull or an electric fence to protect me. Not a great dane.